Stardust

I didn’t just fall in love with you; I recognized you—the stardust I’d been orbiting for lifetimes, even the galaxies envy us.

When you’re constantly vomiting, feeling like death, and ready to give up everything, finding a cloud of bright stardust in the darkness of the infinite nothing brings up hope, excitement, and a longing like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. You’d be surprised how quickly you attach yourself to the nearest beautiful soul that experienced the same as you.

Stardust showed up in my life exactly when I needed her to. I was pregnant with Soul Wreath and just about ready to give up, when a mutual friend introduced us. It was almost an instant connection despite neither of us actually feeling safe enough to open up the way we wanted to. Our first years of friendship were tumultuous and that’s understandable, we were both in years of hardship. We both experienced traumatizing pregnancies. We both felt absolutely devastated in our lives. However, we both grew, and we grew together.

I knew a few years into our friendship that removing her from my life wasn’t going to happen, even when things seemed frustrating and I was at a point where I wanted her to do the best things for herself even though I knew only she was capable of doing those things. It was a significant struggle on my end, a tear between wanting to tell her to run, wanting to comfort her from her troubles, and also wanting to ensure she felt safe where she was and that she knew she could turn to me when she needed to without judgement. I can’t count the times I cried while I feared for her. Little did I know what all of it truly meant.

A couple years ago, just before we met in person for the first time, I finally came to a huge revelation about my feelings towards her. I realized that I didn’t see her as a friend anymore, I loved her as much more. I recognized that she was someone who truly had my heart and that I wanted to share my heart with. It took me some time to come to terms with it, especially since I am married, happily and satisfactorily, to Jamison. Jamison and I had never talked about my leans towards polyamory in depth, just my pansexuality and previous ethical non-monogamy. I hadn’t had feelings for anyone else and thus it hadn’t been an issue so far.

Speaking to him about a crush I had had previously before her had opened the door for the conversation about Stardust and it wasn’t as difficult to have the discussion about liking her more than platonically, but the big L word wasn’t flung around until he said it for me. He told me, much like he did when I announced that I was indeed a pagan, that he knew I loved her beyond friendship. It was something he had come to realize over the course of my friendship with her and that he was ok with it. He understood why, how, and that it didn’t take away from my love and commitment from him, it was simply an additional love that I had for her.

I cannot begin to explain how complex and terrifying it is to explain to your husband that you do not want to leave him and you do not feel differently about it but yet you have feelings for someone else too and still want to be with him and you want to say it in a way that he doesn’t want to leave you the moment he hears it. Thank fuck Jamison is the person he is. He also knew the kind of person Stardust was, and who she was to me. He knew, and knows, the impact she makes in my life and how she helps me on a day-to-day basis in ways that he can’t. Not that he’s deficient or lacking, just that she’s different and capable in other ways.

I hope she doesn’t read this and feel some type of way about it LOL. I know her and I have talked about our feelings, but this is like her eavesdropping on a conversation I’m having someone else about her. She’s also had the conversation with Charlie, and about his feelings for her. Although, he’s determined that’s his girlfriend and there’s no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. What he says goes.

All that to say, Stardust/Sweets is one of the most humble souls I’ve come across in such a long time. She doesn’t see herself as someone who is deserving of a rescue, but is definitely in need of protection, she is her own knight in shining armor. In return, I can be the best roommate a girl can be, and Charlie can be her fuckboi in soft grey sweatpants.