I recently watched the documentary Awful Normal. It was a rough watch; the content was heavy and deeply moving. As someone who was abused as a child, who suffered at the hands of a groomer and adult male abuser, the story moved me. Celesta was absolutely brave for confronting her abuser and I commend her for gaining that closure. I don’t think I could have done the same thing. I don’t think I’d ever want to walk into a scenario, willingly and intentionally, with any of my abusers. It would be absolutely horrifying.
As I was watching this and processing what this woman was doing, I thought about my relationship with my parents. Knowing they, too, were abusive to me in other ways, I don’t think I’d ever willingly and intentionally walk into the same room as them again either. I think about how Celesta’s mother and father were forgiving of this man who abused their child. They continued to maintain a friendly relationship with him and didn’t go to the police.
I understand that it was a different time then, but I still don’t think I could ever forgive a human for abusing myself or my children. How disgusting of a thought that would be. The things this man had done to this woman when she was just a child. Just horrifying to think that it was swept under the rug. Understandably, her life was derailed, and she struggled for many years trying to move past what was done to her. What she was a victim and survivor of. And her parents didn’t think to even remove this individual from their life. I can’t even conceive that notion of forgiveness.
Even now, while I do not allow the burden to weigh on me, I have not and will not forgive my abusers, even with a sincere apology. It’s something that I can’t do. I will always hold them accountable for their actions. I will always remember what I can of that time. I won’t forgive them because of my own struggles that have taken so much of my time and mind with them due to these people.
I think about how I could have been ‘normal’ and not as broken down if these adults had treated me like a child and had not participated in my life the way they did. I think about what my life would have been like if I had had a normal childhood. What would I be like? What mindset would I have? Would I have gone through the pain as an adult that resonated from the mental and physical abuse I suffered from? Would I have had a more successful education? Would I have a normal career? Would I have had post-partum psychosis and actually remember my children as babies? Would I have enjoyed my start to motherhood more? Would my husband and I have had less issues if I had been given the skills to properly communicate my emotions and my thoughts?
It makes me wonder how much I lost and what horrid things I gained from what has happened to me. It doesn’t leave my mind. I would never forgive their actions. If I had a sincere apology from my parents or respect from them, I might have been able to move on eventually if they truly changed their ways, but I still wouldn’t have forgiven them. I would have never forgotten either. I’m not Jesus, I don’t forgive and forget. It’s just not me. It doesn’t hold a rainy cloud over my head; I forgive and forgave myself for what I’ve done as results of my upbringing. But I won’t do that to those who willingly took part in destroying my childhood. I forgive my husband when he apologizes because I know he means it and he makes changes in our relationship to fix what wasn’t working. But I always remember the things that happen. Not out of spite or anger but because I need to remember a time that wasn’t what it should have been and be able to recognize those moments earlier to prevent anything in our marriage from breaking down again. Jamison deserves my forgiveness. Even when he didn’t know any different or didn’t know he was hurting me.
I don’t know what difference there is other than he is always truly remorseful and he apologizes with intention; he recognizes what is going on and he makes changes for the better. I can’t say that my parents or my other abusers would ever feel true remorse for what they did. For some reason, even if they did, I wouldn’t believe them and they wouldn’t get my forgiveness.
Maybe it’s because it went on for so long? Maybe because even after decades of speaking out and asking for change, I was ignored and belittled. I don’t think they ever heard me when I spoke up, so they can’t tell me they didn’t know better or know they were hurting me. I don’t know. I am just rambling at this point trying to process what this is in my head.
I wish I could get in touch with a counselor that would actually help me with processing everything. So many dates are coming up from all this pain. So many reminders of what happened last year. I just wish it would all settle down and I could exist without the memory of all the pain I’ve gone through.
This one has seriously gone off topic so I will go ahead and end it. I wish you all the best and recommend everyone check out Awful Normal. It’s a great documentary and you can watch it free on Tubi. I love you all my stranger internet friends.
Traumatized Viridimere 