I wanted to talk to both Jamison and Stardust about their experiences being with me as partners. Both Jamison being married to someone with DID and Stardust being a parter to someone with DID. I know the experience has to be odd in some way to them and I wanted some truthful answers about their life with me. Here is Stardust’s interview.
Stardust Interview
1. How long have we known each other?
We met in an online group in mid 2017, so about eight years.
2. When did you first sense that something was different about me mentally, or that I might not be alone in my head?
I think I always knew that mentally you had issues similar to mine. We instantly meshed well because of our similar traumas. Depression, high anxiety, adhd qualities (even before we were both officially diagnosed). I will say that in hindsight, I can recall different personalities. But at the time I more would think it was just day to day slight changes based on how you were feeling.
3. What were some of the early signs you noticed?
I noticed that sometimes you’d be more laid back than others. Sometimes more distant. Occasionally you’d be like a different person entirely and more – I don’t want to say “aggressive” because that word doesn’t really fit. Assertive? Looking back – some days you were more Chuck than others. (Yes Chuck – I did just use your name as an adjective.)
4. How long have you known about the DID diagnosis?
I feel like I was one of the first people you told when you weren’t sure what you were navigating with it. Like when you first had questions in your head and doubts you came to me with it to ask what I was seeing. And then when you got your official diagnosis, you told me the same day and we just braved the shock and relief of it together.
5. What was your initial reaction when I first told you?
Before we had a firm grasp on what was going on I felt what I most often feel, what I do best, anxiety. I worried how it would impact you mentally. I worried about you navigating the new norms of day to day life and the long term impact. I won’t say that I didn’t have selfish moments where I worried about my best friend and partner for my own reasons, because that would be a lie. Much of my own mental health hinges on yours and at the time we were both going through hell and that was scary.
6. How did you feel the first time you interacted with one of the alters directly?
Hmm. I feel like it might have been Bun that I talked to first via chats but I can’t say for sure. I felt calm, because overall – I love the human that all parts are part of. It took some getting used to. There would be lapses in time where I’d have a conversation with one alter and then need to retell the things to the next because memories weren’t shared. And times where I’d realize I was talking to someone new based on the tone and have to ask “Who is this” if the chat name wasn’t changed.
7. Has your understanding of DID changed since you first learned about it? How so?Hmm. This is an interesting question. So, I think most people when they hear about someone having DID they think of its portrayal in pop culture, Hollywood type, movie situations. But in real life it isn’t like that. I’ll say that in the beginning I was confused about it because, just like for most people – that was my only experience with it. But we researched and learned together. We talk openly and most importantly if i have a question I come to you directly with it so that I can get a direct answer and better understanding rather than just making my own assumption. Like most things, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to mental health and relationship things. We’ve worked hard to create the open communication style relationship that we have. We don’t do secrets and there’s no such thing as something being too taboo to talk about. If we have questions, we ask, and then the most important part – we listen to the answer that the other one has.
8. Has learning about DID ever helped you make sense of something from the past that confused you at the time?
Kind of like I said before, in hindsight, there are things I can look back on and it’s an “ahh-ha” type moment. Mostly things where I can look back and see who specifically it was that I was talking to. Where before it was all just my friend T. Now I can look back and specifically know that it was Chuck who would give me the “fuck that man he ain’t shit” advice, or My Charlies who would be flirty and sweet.
9. What’s been the biggest challenge in being close to someone with DID, especially when we don’t live together or see each other regularly?
It’s taken a long time to get a good grasp on which alter is fronting when we message, if the name isn’t adjusted. Or if there’s a switch when we talk on the phone. It’s also felt like a challenge to be adequately supportive during times when things have been rough for you. I can only do so much through the phone.
10. What’s been one of the biggest positives or most meaningful aspects of it?
It’s definitely a positive that we’ve grown together from it. I also see the mental health progress you’ve made as a person. Knowing that the different alters are all parts of your brain that helped be there to protect you at various times means that they are all parts of you that I love and care about. They are all parts of you that I am in love with – in different ways, and for different reasons. But watching you become more balanced and sure of yourself has been a blessing to see from my perspective.
11. Have any alters been particularly easy or difficult to connect with?
Bun was one of the first that I talked to and she is so sweet. Charlie, My Charlies – is obviously a whole different thing. From the start he made me giggle and was definitely my knight on some dark dark days. Things were rough for me and Chuck for a while. She can be, rough around the edges, and my personality is – small? But we had a moment where we both thought the other didn’t like us and we started over. And since then things have been great. Reggie is a newer alter and has been very kind and easy to relate to.
12. Have you had any especially memorable or positive experiences with any specific alters?
I have had especially memorable and positive experiences with Charlie but because this will be shared publicly on the blog – those are [redacted]. Haha.
When I visited last I met Sam in person. We colored together and that was especially nice. It seems like it would be a small part of the visit, and in time, it was. But she made me feel comfortable in my own skin which is rare for me.
13. Do you find it difficult to keep up with who’s who in the system, or does it feel natural by now?
It’s really a natural thing now and, for the most part, even if chat names don’t get changed one or two messages and i’ll be like “wait a minute who is this?” Its really just become part of our life.
14. Do you think you understand the system as individuals, or see it more as one collective whole?
This is a tough question for me. My relationship with each alter is somewhat different. There are experiences with some (like Charlie) that aren’t shared with others. When I was there, he fronted the majority of the time and T co-fronted some of the time. We had deep conversations about the distinction between individuals vs the collective whole.
My brain does recognize that each alter is a part of a single person who I love. But I also – struggle with how in my mind each alter really is their own person. When we (Charlie and I) talked about alters fusing or going away entirely – it scared the fuck out of me. It’s something I still don’t like to think about at all. It honestly makes me feel a little nauseous.
Over time – I’ve grown to know each of the alters in different ways and on different “wavelengths”. So losing any of those individuals would be like losing a whole friend.
15. Do you prefer interacting with certain alters in specific contexts (like emotional support,humor, creativity, etc.)?
Of course. Each personality has their own emotional relationship with me. Bun is soft and sweet and we can definitely spiral into anxious energy together. Chuck is who you go to if you need to vent, or if you need someone to keep a secret, or if you have something hella inappropriate to say. Charlie is who I go to if my heart needs mending. When I’m feeling sad or alone or in my head or have some emergency – he’s who I’m hoping for. Sam and Tallie-Ann are both younger and are nice to talk to when I’m feeling silly. Reggie is creative as heck and so nice to talk to, we can definitely share some trauma dumping.
16. Do you think the diagnosis has changed the way we relate to each other, either as friends or partners? How?
I think it would be hard to find anyone who had been through something similar who could say that it wouldn’t change their relationship. I think in a lot of ways it did bring us closer. I have my own – we’ll call them issues? – and I largely kept those a hidden part of our relationship before your diagnosis. You knew the basics but not full details. I don’t know why I’d never gone into them, maybe fear of judgment like I’d experienced before. Maybe just not wanting to admit to myself the things I really already knew about myself. Regardless of the reason – your being open about DID helped me to open up to you about my own struggles. To let you in and see that you would accept me as I am, regardless of how messy it can be at times.
17. What’s been the weirdest or most unexpected part of your experience being close to someone with DID?
The whole thing was sort of unexpected and weird. It was learning a whole new normal for our relationship. It meant meeting new people, several times. I think from people on the outside looking in, or even if I were to talk to myself a year in the past, I wouldn’t have understood it. It really is a hard thing to quantify with words.
18. If you had to describe what it’s like being in a relationship with someone who has DID in two words, what would they be?
You know I do not do anything in just short words so this is hell for me – Chaos but Love.
19. Is there anything else you’d want people to understand about being in this kind of relationship?
I’d say to let go of preconceived ideas of what DID is like. Take everything day-by-day, hour-by-hour, if you have to. There will be times, especially in the beginning, where it feels confusing as heck. You’ll have moments where you are really worried for your person, for your relationship with them. But flip it in your brain. Think about how you’d want them to be if the roles were reversed. If the world inside your mind was splitting apart and you didn’t know who was in the driver seat – you’d want them to be supportive. It does get easier. Give it time. Give them, and yourself grace. Just Love them through it.
Traumatized Viridimere 