Until I’m Meant to Send

Mom and Dad,

There was a time when I truly believed that with enough healing, reconciliation between us could be possible. I wanted to believe that someday I would have parents I could trust, parents who could admit mistakes, parents who would want a relationship with me for who I actually am. After the events surrounding Non-na’s death and funeral, I no longer believe that. The way you chose to act during a vulnerable and painful week has made it clear that reconciliation will likely never happen.

From the very beginning, I set simple and clear boundaries. One being that I did not want Agatha involved. That should have been respected without question. Instead, you handed over my grief and my personal matters to her, dragging her into something she never should have been a part of. You ignored me. You told the entire family details that should have been private. You made my pain into a public spectacle. Even at the funeral itself, after insisting that I not contact you, both of you approached me. That kind of hypocrisy is beyond hurtful—it is humiliating. You tried to make me look like a villain, and instead you made yourselves look like fools.

The messages that came in the days before the funeral only confirmed what I have always known: manipulation is your pattern. At first, I was told all you needed was acknowledgment in writing about the cease-and-desist letter. I gave that, in good faith. But then you shifted the terms. Suddenly, it wasn’t enough. Suddenly, my ability to attend my grandmother’s funeral depended on me giving you visitation with my children or lifting other restrictions. Every time I complied, you found another hoop to make me jump through. That is not compromise. That is coercion. And coercion is not love.

You held my last grandparent’s funeral hostage, bartering it like a chip in a game. That day was not yours to control, and my grief was not yours to weaponize. To treat my goodbye to Non-na as something to be traded for power was cruel beyond measure. It showed me, once again, that your “love” comes with conditions.

And the truth is, this is nothing new. This is exactly why I asked for space from you in the first place. This is the same behavior I endured all through my adolescence: manipulation, bargaining with my boundaries, cherry-picking what counts as love, deciding when your word is convenient and when it’s not. You say you love me, but it has always been clear that what you really want is control.

Growing up, your word was only as good as my behavior. If I stepped outside the neat and tidy line of who you wanted me to be, your word meant nothing. I wasn’t treated like a daughter. I was treated like a reflection of how you wanted to be seen as parents. You have always been more concerned with appearances than with building a true, honest relationship with me.

If you actually wanted a relationship, you would acknowledge how you backed me into a corner when I was struggling with things that had nothing to do with you. You would take responsibility for the way you screamed at me when I was seeking mental health treatment. You would admit the cruelty of calling me schizophrenic, the constant threats to involve the police, the same tactic you reached for again during the funeral. These are not the actions of parents who love. These are the actions of people who want to dominate and intimidate.

I need you to understand this: I am not afraid of you. There is nothing left to fear. What you showed me at Non-na’s funeral is what you have always shown me, you do not bring value, stability, or safety into my life. You bring chaos, manipulation, and pain. You do not seek reconciliation. You seek another puppet to bend to your whims. And I refuse to play that role any longer.

Even beyond the funeral, this pattern is everywhere. You promised me once that if I pursued college, you would take care of my student loans. That promise vanished the moment it became inconvenient. Just like your promises around the funeral, your word is only good when it costs you nothing. You’ve proven again and again that your love is conditional, your word unreliable, and your actions harmful.

Since Non-na’s death, there has been no genuine effort of reconciliation from you. Instead, there has been gaslighting, manipulation, and threats. You have not reached for healing. You have pushed me further into isolation. You took from me the chance to properly say goodbye to my grandmother, and you stole from yourselves the last chance you had to show that you could ever act with compassion.

It saddens me that the people who should have modeled maturity, stability, and unconditional love instead modeled hypocrisy, power games, and conditional acceptance. I am disappointed beyond words to find myself with parents who behave like children, more concerned with winning control than with repairing relationships.

I am sorry I cannot be your “good daughter” anymore. I am an adult. I have seen your true faces, and I cannot unsee them. I hope one day you can come to terms with the irreparable damage you’ve caused, and maybe even forgive yourselves for what you have stolen from me. You took my final goodbye to Non-na and twisted it into a transaction. That is something I will never forget.

Because of this, I no longer see reconciliation as possible. That door is closed.

Regards,
Viridimere