Nothing says reconciliation like holding grief hostage.
Brace yourself. This is a long one. This is a psychotic one. This is one that will have you what the fucking harder than Pikachu. I am still reeling. I am still angry, shocked, grief-stricken, and overwhelmed by the amount of absolute audacity of the events that have unfolded since the death of Non-na.
Non-na’s death hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I didn’t realize how much I did deeply care for her and what affection she did show me. She inspired my artistic side, and I am forever grateful for that. I was shaken by her death and still am. Like both of my grandfather’s deaths, this one was fairly expected. Her health was deteriorating, her cancer was back, and we knew she was going to pass. I truly thought I was prepared and would only be mourning what I never had with her. I was very wrong. Especially since I was unable to see her before her passing.
“To avoid any confusion later, we need written acknowledgement from Viridian that she understands she would be willfully breaking the order by attending, and that she agrees she will not hold Dad and [Mommy Dearest] accountable to the Protection Order during this event. This is to protect everyone involved and keep things clear moving forward.
“I need you to create a group chat with only me, you and [Viridimere], stating this and request something back in writing from her acknowledging…
“If she is unwilling to do such in writing in a text with me, you and her then it is likely in her best interest to not attend”
When I received the text, I did something I regret, even now. I texted in the group chat “[heart emoji] thank you for letting us know. Sending all our love.” This was eventually followed by these messages: “It would just be me attending and would really like to be there for the funeral. Please let me know when it is once y’all know. [heart emoji],” “Friday morning works for me, I’ll be able to drive down Thursday.“, “I’ll be in a hotel room as well.” That was fucking it. That’s all I said to anyone. I didn’t privately message anyone. I didn’t text anything else. Those are direct quotes; I literally opened the text message to type directly what was sent in there.
My last text in there. “Since I am told by [Agatha] that the entire family agreed I am no longer permitted to attend [Non-na]’s memorial and funeral services, I think it’s appropriate that my husband and I be removed from this group chat. Thank you.” Mind you, I had NEVER messaged in this group chat before. Not once until Non-na passed. These are the only messages I have sent in there. Now, tell me, do you see anything aggressive in those previous messages that would have you assuming I’d be attending the services in order to cause the most chaotic and dramatic scenes? Because I don’t. I hadn’t even planned on being there with people. I planned on showing up as early as possible to the memorial service, saying my quick goodbye, then driving to the cemetery to wait for the rest of the funeral procession. Once they arrived, I was planning to stand in the back, away from others, and leaving after the last person left. Legit I was going to grieve. That was all.
“We’ve reviewed the certified cease-and-desist notices you filed against both Mom and Dad. I have copies of these orders, and they make it clear that you require complete seperation and no contact between you and them. Because of that filing, attending [Non-na]’s Funeral while Mom and Dad are present would place you in direct violation of your own orders.
“For the protection of Mom and Dad, and to prevent further accusations, we must be very clear: if you choose to attend despite these orders, we will be forced to contact the police. This is not a decision any of us want to make on a day meant to honor [Non-na], but it is a direct consequence of the legal actions you initiated.
“The entire family, including Dad and Mom, are aligned and supports this message. Out of respect for [Non-na], we all want peace and closure, but that cannot come at the expense of risking Mom and Dad’s legal safety.”
Apparently, those messages were construed as me wanting to cause a scene, and I was abruptly asked to write a statement stating that the cease-and-desist request letter was ‘rescinded’ and that I would not cause a scene nor hold my parents legally liable if I attended and that it would be at my own risk. Guess who asked me? Agatha. FUCKING AGATHA. The same bitch who couldn’t keep her nose out of my business before. The same one who stuck her nose in the business between Dread father and Anona. The same one who stuck her nose in the business between Dread father, Mommy dearest, and myself when we had that blow up fight. This woman cannot keep her big nose to herself. She cannot stay the fuck out of shit.
After much back and forth, plus a solid 3 hours and then some of crying on my end, I gave the fuck up. I couldn’t be whiplashed around like a rag doll in the mouth of a crocodile mid-death roll. I was fucking done. I sent another cease-and-desist order, I told them I was done, and they could swivel on a cactus. I mean I didn’t say that last part but I sure as hell thought it.
“If you read the cease and desist you’d understand they are requests. They are not legal filings. If they were legal filings they would have been served by an appointee of the courts and would have been called forward by a judge. The cease and desist is for contact. Calling the police does nothing as the cease and desist is a REQUEST not a LEGALLY BINDING DOCUMENT.
“What is wrong with y’all that you’d want to keep me from going to my grandmother’s funeral? Why is it ok for [Mommy Dearest] to consistently violate my request by asking [Emily] questions about me yet I can’t properly mourn my grandmother?”
This is where my incredible Jamison stepped up into my corner and told me that no matter what happened, he would be there for me. He encouraged me to go anyways. I, however, was terrified that they would follow up on their threat of calling the police, yes, they threatened to call the police if I showed up. I told him I couldn’t do this alone. Y’all, this man was ready to drop everything and risk his job and our income just to be there for me. I’m glad he didn’t because gods know how that would have turned out. I dug my heels in once I found the strength through my husband and I made phone calls.
First to the secretary treasurer of the board that oversees the very public cemetery. She told me that anyone was permitted into the cemetery during funeral services. Bingo. That’s what I wanted to fucking hear ma’am. Thank you!
“You were the one who chose to send certified cease and desist letters to both Mom and Dad, citing multiple Texas statues and demnding complete seperation and no contact. Whether you now want to call them ‘requests’ or not, the fact is you deliberately put those boundaries in place. The famiy is respecting the choices you made, even if they now feel inconvenient.
“It’s not fair for you to expect Mom and Dad to live under the weight of those restrictions and accusations, but then set them aside only when it benefits you. You can’t have it both ways. By calling Mom ‘Name’ and removing her from you and your children’s lives, her grandchildren lives, you’ve made it clear where you stand.
“Because of the boundaries you established, we cannot allow you to attend Grandy’s funeral while Mom and Dad are there. This protects them from any further claims of violation and keeps the day focused on honoring [Non-na].
“You will, however, be able to visit [Non-na]’s grave on Sunday or any day after the funeral. That way, you still have the opportunity to mourn and pay your respects privately without putting Mom and Dad in a compromising position.”
My next call was stifled but I chose to do this one in person instead. We will get to that in a second. I told Emily that I was done and would see Non-na after she was buried because she, and I, no longer wanted her in the middle of this argument. Emily had bartered her own contact with our parents, and I didn’t want to risk her relationship with them too, yes, this is foreshadowing. I hyped myself up and packed. I spent the next 2 days prepping and made my way 6 hours north to a hotel on my own into a town where I could get arrested for disrupting a funeral service. I was prepared to deal with the police. I was armed with all my properly labeled medication bottles, no weapons, and every screenshot and printed paper I could have regarding the situation.
I got into town in the afternoon and drove immediately to the police station in town. The gentleman was so kind and baffled. He immediately gave me the number to the funeral home so I could see if I could visit my grandmother beforehand (I had already heard that my name would be told to them as someone not to be allowed to attend, and since this was a private service I wasn’t going to risk it) and the number to the county sheriff’s office due to where the cemetery was located.
“Now that things have settled down…I hope you’re doing ok this morning…[Jamison] called last night at 10 pm…we were already asleep and he didn’t leave a message…thought I’d have you reread the messages I sent to [Viridimere] via [Agatha]…all we asked was that she sent a text resending orders so we were not in violation…instead of doing that she went off on other stuff…if she would just acknowledge that she put out the order on us and we need on writing she is lifting that order in the text to me and Dad she can come…but she also needs to put in writing she will not approach any family member…if they want to interact with her they will approach her…she’s not allowed at [June]’s…I don’t understand if this is so important to her why she can’t just do that…getting on the plane…I love you…we can talk about this more when we get to CO..,”
Instead of making the phone call, I made the 15-minute drive to the town over and showed up in person because I was too nervous to talk on the phone. Unfortunately, it was a mild waste, and I ended up on a phone call anyway. I got a call from a very kind and understanding, and equally baffled, deputy who listened to my ramblings of the situation, gave his kindest sympathy and condolences, wrote all the information down, and told me he would inform the deputies on duty the next day of the situation so that if I felt unsafe, I could call and have authorities there to help ensure I was safe during my attendance of the funeral since my family had zero grounds of escorting me out if I didn’t cause any actual disturbance. Apparently, my presence isn’t a disturbance. My resolve was solid.
I was armed with more people in my corner and there was nothing that was going to stop me from attending Non-na’s funeral. The next morning, I woke up after a sleepless night. I got dressed for hotel breakfast and sat to sip my coffee before I was greeted with a surprisingly familiar face. My cousin’s wife and their oldest kiddo appeared for breakfast and gave me a kind good morning. I wasn’t sure what I expected but it wasn’t kindness. Why I expected less from our family’s human form of Switzerland, I don’t know, but I was so thankful for her kindness that morning. My cousin, Lark, came with their other kiddo and sat for breakfast, but he didn’t see me. I went back to my coffee and phone and minded my business.
“[Viridimere], I am sending the response from your conversations and emails to Mom and Dad.
“You are missing the point. Mom and Dad do not want a cease and desist in any form whether it’s a certified letter or simply a ‘no contact’ statement. By writing this the way you did, you’re saying the letter is void, but you’re still demanding that Mom and Dad have no contact with you, [Jamison] or their grandkids. That’s not resolution, that’s just replacing one restriction with another.
“You, [Jamison], and the boys deserve to have a relationship with Mom and Dad. They are asking for the cease and desist to be fully dropped and for visitation rights to be allowed, two to three times a month, and work towards healthy relationship. That’s the real point here.
“There’s no compromise or willingness in what you wrote, only continued separation. If the goal is to move forward as a family, keeping you, [Jamison] and the boys away from everyone cannot remain the answer.
“If there is no willingness or compromise on your part to truly be part of this family, then [Non-na]’s funeral at any point while Mom and Dad are there, including the viewing and the service is off limits. That is the natural consequences of the path you chose. In addition, there are family members who deserve an apology for the threats and accusations made during the March even as others are not comfortable at this time either. Without that, the initial message about your attending Sunday or later to mourn on your own stands.”
Then I heard it, his amazingly kind “Viridimere? Is that you? I hardly recognized you! Give me a hug girl!” I’m 100% sure his wife had something to do with his hello to me, likely she said something along the lines of “Viridimere is sitting over there, you should say something to her.” I know they were both aware of the situation at hand, my Aunt June, the one who I thought had my back for life, had started a new family group chat and started it with something along the lines of “Due to the problems we are having with Viridimere, we have started a new group chat.” Yeah June, because I’m the one who started this shit. Why even include me in the family group chat when you’re the one who initially thought I’d act like a psycho?
Lark sat with me, he spoke plainly and kindly to me, asked me what was going on. I gave him the CliffsNotes version and expressed how I wasn’t going to cross my boundaries but at the same time I wasn’t going to be denied my grieving. He expressed how upsetting it was that I wasn’t going to be able to see Non-na and I told him that I, too, hated that I couldn’t see her but since I had been named as someone who couldn’t attend, I just really wanted to avoid problems. Lark shared some stories with me about family members that he was having issues with as well and how he handled the situations.
“Figured I’d get it in text, in case you need them to read it or want to readit aloud to them. If further clarification is needed, let me know.
“As per Google, ‘The letter (cease an desist) remains “active” for the sender as long as they are willing to pursue a lawsuit.’
“In my original message, I wrote that [Mommy Dearest] (I use her name so there is no confusion on who I mean, not to ‘demote’ her as my mother, as [Agatha] has assumed, but because I have always referred to my parents by their first names, before and after the request of no contact) has ignored my wishes that were stated in the letter multiple times. The same goes for [Dread Father] (again, I use his name). By involving Agatha, who is a third party, someone entirely uninvolved and who I specifically asked to be excluded, her contacting me at their request is also going against it.
“However, I have not pressed charges against anyone, neither when [Mommy Dearest] emailed me the day the letters were delivered, nor now, out of respect for my parents.
“I am also genuinely unsure why anyone would expect me to behave ‘unruly’ or cause a scene at [Non-na]’s funeral when I don’t even like pointing out a wrong order at a restaurant. If you think that’s the type of person I am, then you truly have no idea who I am at all. If anyone has created a scene, it has not come from my end of this situation.
“Since my first response may not have been fully received at the time, I am sending it again in less words so that the statement itself is not lost. At that point, the decision to exclude me is entirely yours, and it will be clear that y’all are choosing to ban me from the funeral. Asking me to cross my own boundaries is not middle ground and it certainly is not me being the problem, contrary to what you’ve implied to the rest of the family.
“‘I, [Viridimere], want to acknowledge I do not have a protection order against [Dread Father] or [Mommy Dearest]. I have not moved forward with legal protection out of respect of my parents.
“‘I will be attending the memorial and funeral services and excusing myself immediately afterwards. No contact will be made on my part. I appreciate your concern and request for both my protection and theirs. Thank you for reaching out.’”
It was so nice to have someone come to me with kindness instead of hostility. To ask me for my version and not try to convince me to forgive them. Especially since I know the hurtful and hateful things they’ve said about him in the past. I wanted to tell him but at the same time I couldn’t because then I’d be just as gross as they are. Maybe one day Lark will read this, knowing I wrote it, and will ask them or me what they said. Maybe one day he will know the things they said about him. I’ll also have to tell you why he’s a top-tier cousin in one of these blogs. He’s pretty damn epic. Back to the story at hand. He bid me farewell and told me he would see me at the funeral.
Lark has no idea how strong he made me feel in that moment. I thought everyone was against me before that. I thought I was alone. I thought the entire family was full of rage towards me. He has no idea that I went up to my room pretty quick after they left and that I sobbed for some time before getting ready and feeling like a superhero when I left my hotel room. I felt so fucking powerful because he told me shit happens.
“No. It’s not just [Dread Father] and [Mommy Dearest]… [I]t’s the whole family. [June], [Blondie], [Agatha], etc. I tried. I tried so hard. Apparently if you show up they’ll call the police because of the no contact order you sent them.”
Once I left, I drove into town and past the funeral home with the parking lot full of cars. No one knew what I was driving since I was in a rental car. I stopped around the corner at a shop to pick up a pad and paper to write down the name of the deputy and the secretary treasurer, just to give them when they walked in so I could show them they had no cards left to play. I drove back past the funeral home and saw there were more cars, and I made my way to the cemetery.
I pulled in slightly crooked so no one could block me in, I also made sure I was pulled up to the one lane road so no one could park in front of me. The paranoia was rampant. I wrote the numbers down and gathered what I needed; my kindle, my phone, my cigarettes, my tiny paper to remind me I was permitted to be there. I walked to the cemetery gate and apologized to the gate keeper for not having a coin to drop. I walked quietly to my great-grandparents and where my Non-na would be laid to rest beside Pops. I apologized to all of them that it came to this and that I wouldn’t be standing here beside them to hear what was said. I reminded myself that every visit my family made into our town, I was the only one who visited the cemetery regularly. I was the only one who cared to see my great-grandparents every time I came into town.
“Your email note has been received and understood. Mom and Dad will not be assuming or continuing payment for your student loans. These loans are in your name, and you need to take full responsibility for them immediately. With that, there is no further need for contact.
“We will continue to pray for you, and when you ar ready to reach back out in a spirit of reconciliation, the door will be open.
“You do not have authorization to attend [Non-na]’s viewing or funeral in any form. The funeral home was misinformed and will be notified immediately to not grant you access. You may mourn and visit after Sunday, once the family has had its time.
“If you need to make any further contact, it is to come through me and [Emily] in this thread or not at all or that will be considered harassment.
“Or just me in [Emily] wishes to be excluded.”
As I went to wander the cemetery before finding a spot in the shade behind the seats I looked up and saw the pavilion, the same one that’s been there since I could remember, and glanced at the shaded benches that have, too, always been there. And the Grinch himself snuck into my mind as the most devious of grins washed across my face. I wasn’t going to stand in the heat behind the funeral, out of sight, out of mind. No, no, that was too easy, too obedient. I could see from where I stood that all the chairs faced the pavilion, all the chairs faced toward those comfortable shaded benches. They looked directly toward where my happy ass would be seated for the duration of the funeral. I would be there when people pulled up, directly along the gate, immediately as they walked in, they would walk past me, they would see me as they made their way from their cars. They would have time to whisper about me from out of ear shot to the area the funeral service was being held, where they would about face and see me in their direct line of sight.
As if Non-na herself reached from the coffin and directed her pastor, he walked the small podium to the corner of the tent. Not the same corner on the opposite side where the reverend stood for Pops funeral. Nay, the pastor stood directly between me and the on-lookers of the funeral service. My father, my mother, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, my family would be forced to stare in my direction the entire duration of Non-na’s funeral, and she was cackling from inside her powder blue bed. I could hear her lecturing my father for his behavior, yelling at what an ass he was being for denying his youngest daughter this ritual of grief. Gods I wish I could have been in their minds to hear their monologue about staring at the wretched Viridimere as they spoke about that woman.
“You’re the last person, next to [Dread Father] and [Mommy Dearest], that I would ever want to speak with. Mind your business.”
One bitch made her inner thoughts quite clear however, with a spiteful “I hate her, she’s just here to cause drama,” Agatha had to ensure everyone knew her disapproval at my attendance. Good, now everyone knows you’re a spiteful bitch.
Before the funeral, as attendees unloaded from their cars, Mommy dearest approached me and asked for a hug. My response was that I was recording on my phone. Followed up by a very loud statement of what was on the yellow folded paper. After the service concluded, Dread father approached me with a program, he had his idiotic power-hungry death grip on it, I should have refused it once I felt it but instead, I yanked and turned around. He had the audacity to tell me he loved me. What a fucked-up way of showing me, dad.
“This is my business per their request.”
I was approached by several family members. The first of which was my uncle, Aunt June’s husband, who almost trotted towards me and immediately hugged me. He was probably the most torn up I’ve seen him before. He was close to Non-na. He was kind to me and was grateful I was there. Followed by my cousin, Primito and his wife. During the initial fight with my parents I had unwittingly said something that hurt his wife’s feelings, and I felt so devastatingly pained that I did. I never intended to hurt her, only to clear the air. She gave me a huge hug and thanked me for the book basket I had sent her, ‘no hard feelings’ as I sobbed more apologies to her. I gave Primito a hug and thanked them both for being kind to me. I was so worried they hated me. Anona also approached me, hugged me, and was thankful I was there. I was able to see the reverend who happens to be my godfather. He had stayed behind after the funeral, and I was so worried I had missed him and wouldn’t be able to say hello.
After everything that’s gone on, it’s wonderful to know how many people are still in my corner. There are still people in my family that agree with me that this whole mess is absolutely ridiculous. There are individuals who still see me as their family and who are still willing to be seen with me even after I’ve been outcasted by the now patriarch of the family.
“It goes against my cease and desist request letter for anyone to contact me on behalf of [Dread Father] and [Mommy Dearest] aside from [Emily] on any matters aside from the student loans.
“My lawyer will be interested in these screenshots.”
I made it a point to ask Emily and Anona to lunch, along with Primito and his wife to lunch because I knew there wouldn’t be another time to see them. From what I gathered, Aunt June’s house isn’t the same without me there. Everyone has kept their word to Emily that there would be no talk about the situation or me in front of her, even if there were times that the entire table has gone silent when she walked in the house from a smoke break, clearly indicating that there had been a family game of telephone happening. Of which, I had been told that wasn’t a thing, so it’s interesting that it is now.
Primito has told me he called his mom, Aunt June, out for agreeing with this entire ‘Ban Viridimere’ smear campaign and that he knows she was manipulated into it by her brother, sister, and niece. Anona, unfortunately, attempted to convince me that I should be the bigger person and let bygones be bygones, so I don’t have any regrets when it comes to my relationship with my parents. Both Emily and I tried to explain that I have no regrets because I have done nothing wrong, that my parents have abused me both in this situation, in the situation that culminated in the cease-and-desist, and before in my childhood. I still believe she’s under the impression that I’m ‘being dramatic’ since that’s the narrative that’s been sung in the family since I first experienced emotions.
Anona got the short end of the stick after lunch, from what I heard, she had a lecture awaiting her from Agatha and was, I’m assuming, yelled at for attending lunch with me. Agatha and Anona had been sharing a hotel room, paid for by my parents, and afterwards Agatha stayed the night in Aunt Blondie’s hotel room instead. This is why I believe some yelling or at least loud and firm words happened. I feel so guilty that this happened, and yes, I apologized to Anona about inviting her. I feel awful that I invited anyone. I just wanted to spend time with my sisters that I still had. If Ardith had been there, I would have invited her too, she couldn’t attend due to S1N2 getting sick and needing to be there for him, which is entirely understandable.
I never meant to cause a rift between any of them. I genuinely wanted to spend time with her, I hadn’t known if she was even going, or if she would speak to me since her, Agatha, and Ardith are all much closer than with Emily and me. Anona and I were always compared a lot when I was growing up, we have a lot of similarities, facial expressions, mannerisms, and behaviors. I truly wish my relationship with her was better than it is, so I snag time at any opportunity I get.
Overall, the experience was awful and amazing at the same time. I’ve been robbed of experiencing the memorial and funeral of my last living grandparent, I’ve seen the depth of which my parents are willing to stoop to in order to reconcile with me, I’ve also come to realize they have no idea what they’ve done to me and never will, I’ve found solace in family members that still love me despite my fears that no one cared anymore, and I’ve stood my ground where I wouldn’t have before. I’m still reeling and fighting with the mindfuck that has been this past week. I’m moody, I’m depressed, and I’m in such physical pain from being tense and driving 12 hours in 3 days.
I’ll be back to posting now that this debacle has come to a conclusion and will be much blunter in my posts. I plan to still maintain anonymity, but you might see something new, screenshots. I’ve been debating back and forth on if I want to include privacy redacted screenshots in my blog posts or not. I don’t feel the need to hold back the way I did; I’m no longer barred by what was the feeling that I would be, I don’t know, attacked? mobbed? ostracized? Not that I hadn’t already been those things, but I still felt this obligation to be polite and hold back some. To not cross the boundary of this private space with the reality of visual exhibits. I don’t feel that restriction anymore. I don’t feel controlled by this invisible force of respect and dignity. I’m not sure how positive that is but it’s not there. I feel free to blab my entire story at the level that I wish to share.
I still maintain that any and all likeness of individuals in my posts and blog site are purely fictional and resemblances to individuals real or imaginary are purely coincidental. All stories and retellings are just that, stories and retellings, take what I say with a grain of salt.
There are always three sides to every story: their side, my side, and the truth.
Traumatized Viridimere 