Being a system is weird.
DID is weird. For real. Even now after knowing for over a year and having serious symptoms for over a decade and then knowing I’ve had symptoms for way longer than that still doesn’t come close to making this the least bit normal. It feels weird to have other people in my brain. There are people in here that want to make decisions and do things and say things that I don’t always want to make and do and speak. There are times I want to do things and say things that I don’t get to do and speak.
There’s a lot of situations I don’t want to be in either. Like for example, I don’t really want to be a parent. I see myself as still a kid. Being in a 35 year old body is weird when you feel like a kid. I feel mature and older but at the same time there are so many things I didn’t do that make me want to just stay my age and be me and do the kid things. But I can’t. I have to be an adult.
I know this blog has been about more of the trauma and less of the DID but I want to talk about it, and I have no one to talk to about it. The communities out there for people with DID suck. They’re so judgmental or self-righteous and there is no allowance for saying something in your own words and being allowed to explain or leaving anything open for interpretation. Bunny said one thing that was just a lighthearted way to say something, and she got attacked on a forum. She didn’t have a chance to express herself. Bunny has to stay positive and say things a certain way because of the things she’s dealt with and things she deals with. If she’s not positive about it all then she spirals and it’s hard for her to get out of her shut down mode. It’s cause health problems that would become a serious issue and that makes things even worse on her. Last time she spiraled she didn’t front for over a month because she was terrified it would happen again.
I feel a bit trapped. It sucks. I’m not trying to write this for anything or anyone except myself. I just need to say that it sucks being stuck in here when I’m not me. It feels like I’m trying to fit into shoes that are a hundred times too big. I don’t want to front as much because there is too much to do and too many things I have to be responsible for. I just want to play my switch and be by myself. I can’t even do that. There’s no time to do that. Everyone else has things to do all the time.
I miss being by myself a lot. There’s a lot of people in the house even when no one is around. Maybe I’ll spend the morning doing something for me by myself.
Traumatized Viridimere 