Do You Wanna Do Donuts?

I was high but sobered up really quick when his body practically collapsed on top of me. It startled the fuck out of me, seeing as how I had previously been sleeping off a fresh joint and a full night of partying. I had no idea what time it was or who it was on me, but they were coming at me like a dog at the grill master on the fourth of July.

I had no idea what time it was or who it was on me…

I know he knew I was laying there. I had announced to everyone that I was off to sleep on the futon of our friends’ room. I always preferred to sleep in Twin L’s room for some reason. It just felt more comfortable in there. Not that they would have minded. I could have slept in Twin A’s room or Twin L’s room, and no one would care because everyone was drunk and high and just looking for a place to crash. Most of the time I would hide off in there because there were only a few people allowed in their rooms once the parties started. I was one of the lucky few because of my friendship with Cobra. Cobra’s friendship opened a lot of doors that I wish had remained shut while I was in high school.

As I laid there trying to regain consciousness and understanding of the world around me, I realized that Kreep had found his way into L’s room and was lapping at my face like I was a puddle, and he had been wandering the desert for 30 years. I always felt uncomfortable with the way he looked at me. I never liked how close he would stand, drunk, high, or sober. Kreep just- well he gave me the creeps. I finally knew now why he did. Because he was a taker not an asker.

I never liked how close he would stand, drunk, high, or sober. Kreep just- well he gave me the creeps. I finally knew now why he did. Because he was a taker…

not an asker.

I laid there wondering if I could pretend to be asleep and he would roll off me and pass out. Unfortunately, I couldn’t last that long and told him to get off me and that I was sleeping. Kreep whispered for me to shh because L and Russ, L’s boyfriend, were asleep in bed and he didn’t want me to wake them up. I remember him grabbing onto the metal futon and pushing up against me when I took both arms and tried to force him off of me. He was a cowboy and a punk ass kid; he had strength in his arms that I didn’t and there was no way to get my legs back where they needed to be in order to use my knees to knock some balls away.

Back in my high school partying days I spent most of my time either in jean pants or jean skirts, t-shirts or low-cut tops. It was show all or show nothing. That was one night I spent in a jean skirt and a low-cut top. It was my light blue jean skirt with all the fray, my pink low-cut top with a white tank underneath. I had kicked off my flipflops and all my stuff was on the floor beneath me, phone included. Back then I didn’t carry a weapon either. Really stupid when this wasn’t the first time I was harassed at their house. It wasn’t the first time Kreep had tried to get at me either. After this night, if we stayed there, I spent the night locked in my car. I refused to sleep inside the house. I didn’t care how hot or cold it was, I wasn’t going to be raped in the same spot twice.

I wasn’t going to be raped in the same spot twice.

By the time I had thought to say something again to get L or Russ to wake up, Kreep placed one of his hands forcefully over my face. At first, he covered my nose, and I couldn’t breathe. Thank fuck I was able to move enough to get my breath back.

I’m typing this one really slowly because this is the first time I’ve relived this moment voluntarily. It’s not one I prefer to talk out. While the following morning I was met with kindness, the night was cruel to me. Forgive me if I’m low on the sarcasm in this one.

After I was able to breathe again, I attempted to pull his hand off my face. He took his opportunity of my hands busying themselves in order to busy his own. It was split seconds before his hand found its way up my blue jean skirt. The pair with the fray all over the bottom and pockets. It felt like it had already been hours since I had woken up to him laying down on top of me, although it had probably only been 10 or 15 seconds honestly. My mind was running so fast it could have run through to the end of pi.

I was 17. He raped me without a condom.

Once he felt me up to his satisfaction, he decided to go for it, and I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I was 17. He raped me without a condom. I wasn’t on birth control and had only used condoms at that point. Gods only know where the fuck that dick had been before it made its way to me. I was fucking luckier than stars that I didn’t make or catch anything. It astonishes me how I stayed clean all these years.

He couldn’t have lasted very long before he rolled off of me and I gladly gave up my spot on the black futon. I quickly gathered my shit up and ran to the bathroom to decontaminate. I had been in such a hurry that I didn’t put on my shoes I just grabbed them. I shut the door behind me so quickly and quietly. It was around 4 am. I quickly and quietly cleaned myself up and went looking for Cobra. She was out in the living room sleeping and I made my way to her.

Her response was that he was high, and he probably didn’t know what he was doing.

I was able to wake her a little bit enough to tell her what happened. Her response was that he was high, and he probably didn’t know what he was doing. She told me to get some sleep, and we would go back to her place in the morning. If you’ve ever been in that sort of situation, that’s the last thing you want to hear, and sleep is the last thing you’ll be doing. I sat for about an hour on that couch begging that it wasn’t real and I had just imagined it, but I had a hickey on me to prove it. One that I didn’t show up with and didn’t ask for.

I couldn’t sit still anymore and snuck outside to my car. I climbed in, locked the doors, and cracked the windows. At least outside I could smoke and could talk to myself.

Dawn comes quickly when you’re running on adrenaline, nicotine, and fear.

Before I knew it, I heard the front door of the house opened. I so badly wanted it to be Cobra, but I knew we weren’t going to be leaving until she got up closer to 8 am. The only people who were up at 6 am were the cowboys and the ones who hadn’t slept yet. Kreep was one of those who could have walked out that door, it wasn’t him though.

The type of sympathy only a white boy in a polo, cargo shorts and cowboy boots could give you.

Tristan strolled to my passenger side door and attempted to get in. I reluctantly let him in, and he sat down to make himself at home. I don’t know if he was clueless to the situation, if he saw something, or if he could just see something was wrong with me but he just looked at me with this look of pure- I don’t want to say he seemed apologetic but it’s the only word I can think of. It was the look you give someone when they tell you their beloved family pet died just before they start to break down crying and you swing your arms out for a hug, that look you give them when you just know something awful happened and it can’t be said out loud. The type of sympathy only a white boy in a polo, cargo shorts and cowboy boots could give you.

We sat in silence and smoked our own cigarettes before another one joined us. I don’t remember his name though. The three of us just sat there in my tiny little four door. Not saying a word but the air was dense as solid iron. To this day I swear they both knew what had transpired earlier that morning. They had to have known. Just sitting here typing this reminds of the peace that sat in my car, and I wish I could have that type of calm again.

Apparently, it’s appalling to have non-menthol cigarettes.

Before long another one popped up from the house across the driveway where the twins’ grandparents lived. I shit you not, this town had its many compounds. They piped up wanting a smoke and seeing as how we all just sat and chain smoked, none of us had any except for me, and apparently, it’s appalling to have non-menthol cigarettes. Since I was the only one in the car with any money, it was quickly decided that I should buy a pack and let them all bum just one. Tristan said he would give me something insert whatever 00’s phrase meant cool here when we got back. I just agreed and got in the truck.

We drove down the feeder to a smoke shop, they got a pack of menthols and all only bummed one like they promised. When we got back to the house, Tristan looked at me and told me to buckle up before asking me “do you wanna do donuts?” I was thoroughly confused and this boy replied with a grin and a quick “YOLO” before proceeding to do about 10 of the worst donuts in his truck in the lot. I swear I thought I was going to puke or die, or puke then die. I slugged the shit out of him when we got out.

Tristan looked at me and told me to buckle up before asking me “do you wanna do donuts?”

YOLO my fucking ass. However, it did put a smile back on my face to be surrounded by idiots once again. I didn’t talk about what happened the first half of the night for a long time. I don’t know why the encounter with Kreep was so much more traumatizing than most. But it stuck with me, and I couldn’t shake it. He was still a part of the party crew; he acted like nothing happened. Maybe he didn’t remember. But I remember. My body remembers how terrifying it was. I worry there’s something I missed that made me so afraid. I try not to think too deeply about it.